the past few months, i have gone from everything in my life being a complete mess to it seem like everything has it reason and place. I was so depressed, i was so axenious that I couldn't move. getting out of bed was a task, allowing myself to make any art seemed impossible. i felt like everything in my life was this huge pile of shit that i couldn't bring myself to even think of trying to sift through and clean. now slowly i have been realizing more and more that all that shit was worth it. because now.. i was lead to the people in my life who truly will unconditionally love me. and that i am where i am for a reason. everyone has there rough spots. there is no doubt about that. we live in regret and in wonder about what if i did this? or this? but if i did any of these things, i wouldn't be anywhere close to where i am today. maybe i wouldn't have met the people i have, or my life wouldn't have came together the way it is. ik there is more shit to come, i know that the bad things in my life will continue to grow and change and challenge me. but after such a long time of forgetting that these things i am "blessed" to have create my messes, also are there to lead me to the things and people in my life who i'm supposed to know, and who are supposed to make an impact on me. I am in the place i am for a reason. for something. sometimes all you need is to wait for the reason why you are giving these bad things. and sometimes you can realize, they weren't really bad. or that they were just leading you to something or someone, good. 

i guess i just had a lot on my mind

I've been cursed. I seem to have a kidney infection...... 

for some reason even as i start to feel better i still want to lay in bed. there's something about laying around that everyone loves and hates. you love it because you don't have to do anything... but you hate it because you don't get anything done. its a dilemma that most of us have a hard time deciding which option is the more reasonable one. but when your laying around with someone else it somehow seems less of a waste of time. there were days when i just laid in bed with someone, not moving. just sleeping. nothing really mattered enough to make us want to reach out to the rest of the world. you would sleep there until you realized the sun was gone and there was nothing left you could do during the day so you just continued on sleeping... until some part of the outside world reminded you you couldn't stay there forever. time never really stopped. i guess there is something about knowing someone else is going to be there when you wake up.

did you know that if a baby isn't touched then it will die? a person... will die from not having human contact. and that even just putting your hand on someone else's arm or leg lowers your blood pressure? these things, i find amazing. how touch and the feeling of being loved can make a person live. laying next to someone sleeping you notice there breathing and there smell there warm breath on your skin. and in that moment you can stare at them... study them... without them ever knowing you did. 

my mother used to watch me sleep. she said she sat in my room and would just watch me sleep for hours. sounds creepy to a 13 year old when your mother tells you things like that. but now, i know the only way my mom would have even been able to fully be amused with watching me sleep, would be if she loved me more then anything.

nights sometimes seem longer then days... dreams seem more important then life... and sometimes no matter how hard i try sleep doesn't come until i watch the sunrise. changing this seems hopeless sometimes. i've been trying... but with no luck. changing anything is hard. at least for me. i hated it when i would come home from school and my mom had moved the furniture around... things in my life have there place. when there moved... its hard for me to a just. but after a while i generally i end up liking the new... 

i'm not sure why i'm saying all this. most of it doesnt make much sense. but i figure since very few if any people read this then why not... at 2am when you cant sleep leave a long very jambled message on your blog for some weird person to read and maybe relate to. or i guess... maybe just enjoy.

good music

MY COMPUTER IS OK! the mac store is amazing... it took like a half hour to get back up & running :D sooooo happy!

taking pictures of strangers is a harder task then i thought. but i will work up the courage to do so soon. 

I love laura marling! 

I also love emmy the great

My computer is broken. i'm praying its nothing serious... but my blogs will be limited to this until it is fixed. (if it can be fixed!)

anyways heres some fun things i'm finding.

Human-slinky
Uploaded by bbqkarubi

Really funny videos!

Inspire me

Richard Serra &

David Smith <3

goodbye assignment

Goodbye to my kitty 

Goodbye trevor moody

Goodbye wayne 

Goodbye uncle roy

Goodbye great grandma 

Goodbye jordan kelly

Goodbye jhaime dye

Goodbye aunt sadie, callie, and tina 

Goodbye to letting my past haunt me

Goodbye to worrying what people think of me

Goodbye to the people in my life that don't really matter

Goodbye to giving my heart to people who don't deserve it

Goodbye to wasting my days never leaving my bed

Goodbye to just thinking and not acting

Goodbye to acting without thinking

Goodbye to depending on anyone but myself 

Goodbye to forgetting to tell the people i love that i love them

Goodbye to procrastinating 

Goodbye to waiting to the last minute 

Goodbye to chain smoking when i'm really mad or really drunk

Goodbye to forgetting to eat for long periods of time

Goodbye to neglecting to take care of myself 

Goodbye to holding onto things that i have no control of

Goodbye to bad dreams 

Goodbye to being nervous to say things i want to

Goodbye to not telling the whole truth 

Goodbye to letting my walls down

Goodbye to holding back

Goodbye to not deciding on things because of being nervous 

Goodbye to not saying no when i really want to

Goodbye to not letting people know how i feel 

Goodbye to denying myself 

Goodbye to apologizing when i don't need to

Goodbye to feeling bad for things i didn't do

Goodbye to forgiving people when they don't deserve it

Goodbye to drinking to much

Goodbye to drinking to make me happier

Goodbye to forgetting to go grocery shopping for months. 

Goodbye to spending money on things i don't really need to have

Goodbye to allowing good memories to hurt me

Goodbye to allowing the bad memories make me feel better 

 

stumblin'

there are a lot of things on the internet that we dont realize exist. this web site was made to just search random web sites. sometimes you get some pretty awesome things that come up!

stumbleupon.com

i'm going to freeze to death any second

*Jan 24: if you feel yourself slipping into the melancholy thats so typical of crabs, take steps to lift your sprits. spend time communing with nature, engage in an enjoyable hobby, stroke a soft kitty cat or play with a friendly dog. feast on your favorite comfort food this evening. 

here is Miranda July's web site. my room mate showed me her.. shes pretty much amazing!

http://mirandajuly.com

some of her performance art ->

how to make a button 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7RBir3jmQSc

are you anybody's favorite person?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-t-5PLQgcSA&feature=related

i get to make pasta tonight. :)

First assignment

I bought a day by day astronomical guilde for jan, feb, and march today. i figured i would post each one.. and see which ones were true. heres the first one:

Jan 23: the events of the day are stressful, but you quickly realize just how much mettle you're made of. show the world what you can do when beleaguered by worries and you'll impress someone who later offers you a high-paying job. 

 

there is this web site - www.learningtoloveyou.com - and there are assignments for people to do and then they post there results. I think i'm going to take some of the ideas for assignments on this web site until i start to develop my own. also if anyone has any suggestions let me know! i would love to hear them! 

the first assignment i'm going to take on is "saying goodbye"(from learning to love you):

Sometimes it's hard to say goodbye. It just feels easier to keep holding on. But in the long run it's usually a good idea to let go, it's the daring thing to do. It allows room for new things, for transformation. And maybe the goodbye isn't even forever, but you can't know until you really say goodbye and mean it. In some cases, goodbye is really the end, and good riddance! For this assignment, say goodbye to all the things you need to let go of: bad habits, dead people, alive people, ex-boyfriends and girlfriends, self-destructive feelings and behaviors, jobs, projects, re-occuring thoughts, etc.
Write it as a simple list:
Goodbye Bill.
Goodbye wetting the bed.
Good bye interrupting people when they are talking.
etc.
  
It can be as long or as short as you like. And, most importantly, take a moment with each one to really say goodbye. This isn't a catalogue of your fears and faults, this is a ceremony to bid them farewell.

Funny things that i've noticed today:

-do you know how people in doctors offices sometimes use the word "ok" to often.. and they always sound like they are being sincerely un-sincere about it? or talking down to you. cant STAND that! but it seems like every doctors office has at least one of those people. 

-liz feels as if she needs to compete with my GPS. for some reason she thinks she is a better navigator then it. so when its talking and tells me to turn left and i'm stuck at a red light she'll say things like... "well maybe if we could turn left.." or "well maybe if we weren't at a red light!" and when we arrive places and the GPS tells us were arriving to them she says things like "we know!".... sometimes i imagine her wrestling with it! or strangling the talking voice that comes from the small box. 

Welcome.

joel: but honestly today is a gift and tomorrow is a surprise and the past doesn't matter

so don't worry about it, you can't plan to plan, you need to take action and get things done

I am here to make a record of my goals and steps to live my life through art and try to notice the things we forget to notice in our everyday surroundings. 

everyday I will make a goal for a week.. 2 days.. or one. and I will follow and record that goal. I will also write about the work I am making in school and some other random things along the way.