for some reason even as i start to feel better i still want to lay in bed. there's something about laying around that everyone loves and hates. you love it because you don't have to do anything... but you hate it because you don't get anything done. its a dilemma that most of us have a hard time deciding which option is the more reasonable one. but when your laying around with someone else it somehow seems less of a waste of time. there were days when i just laid in bed with someone, not moving. just sleeping. nothing really mattered enough to make us want to reach out to the rest of the world. you would sleep there until you realized the sun was gone and there was nothing left you could do during the day so you just continued on sleeping... until some part of the outside world reminded you you couldn't stay there forever. time never really stopped. i guess there is something about knowing someone else is going to be there when you wake up.
did you know that if a baby isn't touched then it will die? a person... will die from not having human contact. and that even just putting your hand on someone else's arm or leg lowers your blood pressure? these things, i find amazing. how touch and the feeling of being loved can make a person live. laying next to someone sleeping you notice there breathing and there smell there warm breath on your skin. and in that moment you can stare at them... study them... without them ever knowing you did.
my mother used to watch me sleep. she said she sat in my room and would just watch me sleep for hours. sounds creepy to a 13 year old when your mother tells you things like that. but now, i know the only way my mom would have even been able to fully be amused with watching me sleep, would be if she loved me more then anything.
nights sometimes seem longer then days... dreams seem more important then life... and sometimes no matter how hard i try sleep doesn't come until i watch the sunrise. changing this seems hopeless sometimes. i've been trying... but with no luck. changing anything is hard. at least for me. i hated it when i would come home from school and my mom had moved the furniture around... things in my life have there place. when there moved... its hard for me to a just. but after a while i generally i end up liking the new...
i'm not sure why i'm saying all this. most of it doesnt make much sense. but i figure since very few if any people read this then why not... at 2am when you cant sleep leave a long very jambled message on your blog for some weird person to read and maybe relate to. or i guess... maybe just enjoy.
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